So here I am again. I took my psychologist-to-be friend's advice to set up another anonymous blog to brag about my inner self, my deep thoughts and my part of life that I don't need everybody who knows me to read about.
I guess this is a space for me to write down what i'm going through in my personal love relationship life. It kinds of feel exciting, dangerously exciting, to know that I can write whatever I want, without taking into consideration what and how my friends and family would react. Things like relationships can be talked about, but not written down and be shown to the WWW (whole wide world), at least my family would think so.
So this whole charade about not being able to let go after a break up. It has been a good 8 months now, and yet I still feel this dangling feeling towards my ex. I absolutely hate it. I feel even worse when I feel that I am the only one feeling this way, 3 feels, wow.
I am trying to move on, trying to erase this memory, forget about the whole relationship, forget I even met him. Yes, I do feel so. I want to delete the whole relationship, it has gone to a stage where I am sick and tired of thinking about him.
It's so annoying me, I want to scream and burn everything that he has sent me. I want to jump into another relationship so I could forget this one, I want to love another man, I don't want to waste my time thinking about a person that doesn't love me, I want the other person to love me back, to think about me only, to care about me, and love me so much that it might hurt inside, and that I never want to lose this person. I want a relationship so grand it can overcome the other ones, I want to feel being loved.
I tried everything, deleting numbers, deleting contacts in msn. I have the numbers in my head, I can't erase it; I deleted him so many times in msn, and always, I always add him back. This feeling of powerless, under control, and not being to control myself makes me sick to my guts, I regret so many times after I talked to him, regretted being the first to talk to him, the first to ask how he is. All the tiny petty things makes me go nuts. Okay, maybe i'm exaggerating. I must say I did improve a lot compared to the last few months. I did stop calling him, at least we're not talking on the phone now.
Talk about calling. I can't believe I called him yesterday. I don't know what got to me. Luckily he was in lecture and didn't pick up. Stop doing crazy acts like that.
My psychologist said to me that men are bastards, and that they are taking me on a ride. Show them who is on the upperhand, and don't give in at all. Don't react to their messages, or if needed, show no emotions. Let tonight be a night I step my foot down and act on my promises to myself.
